Since I’m not in Boston, I can’t listen to WEEI on the radio. (Actually, one can, over the Internet. But I wasn’t home last night, so I didn’t.) So I’m going to invent a short transcript of how I imagine the call in shows must have sounded.
Caller: I think this Mohammit Dice Sookey guy is going to be awesome. Best Sox pitcher since Pedro!
Ted Nation: Wrong, he will suck. He won’t cut it in the American League.
Caller: You know, this Toshiba Kawasaki dude will be a disappointment.
Ted Nation: In fact, I predict that he will win the Cy Young for the next thirty years straight.
Caller: Dice K has this great pitch, you hear about it? It’s called the gyroball. [I thought only submariners could throw the gyro. Hohoho -ed] It is like a slurve slider curve but it is faster and it curves so much that it turns around and is caught by the first baseman. I ain’t seen nothing like it.
Ted Nation: The gyroball doesn’t exist; he just has a very effective slider.
Caller: I don’t think this new Japanese fella will make it, and he won’t be able to throw at 95 all season pitching every 5th day like they do here so we will need more pitches.
Ted Nation: He throws the gyroball.
Caller: I don’t think this Daisuke has enough experience.
Ted Nation: He has been playing pro ball for eight years now, and did well last spring against the best hitters in the world in the First Baseball Classic, which was a great idea.
Caller: Do you know what Murakami did in the First Baseball Classic? He was the winning pitcher in every single game! Even the ones Japan didn’t play in! Talk about experience under his belt, and he is only twenty six.
Ted Nation: He did not play in the Classic, which was the worst idea Bud Selig has had since he introduced the live ball era. And we have three kids starting now, each of which are about 19 years old, and none of which has ever recorded a single strike out.
Caller: First time caller, long time listener.
Ted Nation: Get on with it.
Caller: I’m a veteran, you know. I fought in WWI, WWII, Vietnam, and the Middle East, both times. I was repairin’ my truck during Korea.
Ted Nation: Well, the Sox need veterans. The whole starting rotation is about fourteen years old.
Caller: Well, they are fifteen, actually, son. And some are older.
Ted Nation: Fourteen. One is thirteen and three quarters.
Caller: I don’t understand why my buddies died in the mud in ‘Nam so we could sign their best pitcher!
Ted Nation: The Yankees already have Korea’s best pitcher, Hidkey Mitsubishi.
Caller: Is your refrigerator running?
Ted Nation: Yes…
Caller: Well, you’d better go catch it! *click*
Ted Nation: I don’t understand.
Caller: Have you seen Daisuke Matsuzaka’s WHIP?
Ted Nation: *click*
Caller: Why don’t they make Dice Monsisky the closer? Then they can sign Clemens to start! And Wakefield can go back to playing first like he used to, and they can trade Coco back for Bill Mueller, what a guy he was, nothin’ fancy, but always showed up, y’know. And I got this list of players, see, in the minors, each of which ain’t too hot, but there’s thirty four of them, and each of them hits one or two homers a year, so I was thinkin’, Theo should orcastrate a 11 team trade where he sends Manny out to the Yankees, but they’ll get back those sixteen guys I just mentioned who can take his place, and between them they will get the exact same 40 homers that Manny gets, yeah, see, each of them hits ten or fifteen homers a year, so it’s a real steal, they’ll probably double his production, anything to get rid of Manny
Ted Nation: That will never happen. Let’s talk about getting a closer and then we’ll talk. Don’t you think a closer is more important? I think a closer is more important.
Caller: Yeah, so don’t I. I’m just worred about Wake back at short, ’cause can Schilling make up for the extra wins he will need to maintain his ERA, I think it will be a few more ERA wins, but will it be the thirteen Wake would otherwise get?
Ted Nation: Shilling is a five year veteran, and he knows how to step it up to lower his ERA when other pitchers aren’t pitching in the big games.
Caller: What about trading Papi for Bonds? Also I was thinking maybe Theo and Dan Shaughnessy can arrange a trade where Kansas City signs Nixon, and then we trade Lugo for Nixon, who was the best Sock ever since Nomar decided he didn’t want to play anymore and proved it by hitting over .300 during his time in 2004 with the Sox. Then we can resign Nomar anyway, because he is playing again, but I think we should make him ‘Tek’s backup. Mirror Belly is over man except as the DH because we know that
when we get Bonds he’ll be at short or third.
Ted Nation: It’s a good plan, but what about Manny?
Caller: He is pretty good, you know.
Ted Nation: When he feels like playing! I could hit for higher average and lower ERA than him, and still pitch for 15-17 wins a year.
Caller: I just know Clemens is signing with the Yankees.
Ted Nation: Not happening. He likes being at home too much. It’s a shame, I remember when he was a rookie.
Caller: So, Clemens back in Houston again, yeah? It’s too bad, ’cause I really wanted him to finish the twilight of his career here.
Ted Nation: No, he will be in New York, and will commute from his old house in Framingham on the Limoliner on game days. And it isn’t too bad, because he was always a blight in Boston, good riddance once and for all.
Caller: How about trading Andrew (that is my new name for Daisuke) for Johann Santana?
Ted Nation: Will never happen.
Caller: You know how everyone is talking about the Sox switching to play in the National League?
Ted Nation: It’ll never happen.
Caller: Yeah, I know, but it’ll be sweet when the Sox are in the National League, and the Mets will switch to the American League.
Ted Nation: It’ll never happen.
Caller: Yeah, tell me about it, so yeah when they’ll do that it’ll really shake things up. But what I was thinking was after they do that would be to move the Sox to the Japan League, ’cause Dice already knows that league. And then we’ll take one of those Japanese teams, and move them into the American League, but it’ll be the American League Far East with nobody else in that division, but they will make the playoffs every year…
(I am pretty excited about the Red Sox in 2007. Things are looking really good.)